This is the third in a
series of articles about The Practice of Decision-Making – situating the
experience of decision-making in the context of healing. Decision-making is an
anxiety-riddled experience for many folks navigating this age of information.
By transforming the process of decision-making into an opportunity for
self-healing, we step beyond the bounds of the decision itself, reclaiming our
inherent value. And, conveniently, we learn to make better decisions for
ourselves.
Hi sweet humoons! We’ve manifested a New Year. We did it. I’m
glad to be writing to you, to myself. I decide to call this a New Year, a new
beginning, a re-set. I could call it just some more days, but I choose to take
on the cultural consideration as my own. Sure. New Year. New Life. Let’s go
there. I’m into it. Thanks for reading, if you are just now joining this
discussion of decision-making as a mindfulness practice, you may want to go
back to the introductory article posted on December 24th, 2013. Or just jump in. Enjoy
and please comment/message me with your own stories. Without further ado:
Writing is so awesome
Writing is a great technology. In school most of us spent
years of our precious youth learning how to use it for criticizing and
memorizing. At this point it might be your go-to relationship with the written
word. However, there are unspeakable benefits to writing on your own terms, for
intuitive reflection and self-healing. Imagine if your high school English
class had a final exam on making mind maps and dream journals! Here is how one
can use the tool of the written word, and listing specifically, to scaffold their
decision-making practice.
These tools are particularly useful if these experiences sound
familiar to you:
· Avoidance of the decision
· Obsession with the decision
· Both avoidance and obsession with the decision
- Thinking about the decision induces a sense of discomfort or anxiety
· Resistance to taking action
· A lurking suspicion that there’s some factor being ignored, but an inability to name it
· Guilt about time not spent on working out the decision
· No time spent not working out the decision, cause you’re thinking about it even while you do other stuff. Stuff that might even be interesting if you weren’t so consumed with the impending decision.
Enter the list. At that first moment I realize my head is
doing somersaults, right then and there is my in, my opportunity to interrupt
my own flailing and channel that very flailing into the foundation of my
decision-making process. There is good information in that flailing; the key is
to utilize the flail instead of letting it dump unproductively into the chasm
of brain chatter.
At this
point, sit down with a pencil or a keyboard or a very pleasant-to-use pen, and
start writing 2 lists –
Your Game-Plan List (or whatever you want to call it) and your Personal
Reflections List (still, whatever you want to call it).
It doesn’t matter which list your write first, they’ll probably both
co-evolve and you’ll jump from one to the other. You need both and you need
them to be separate.
The Game-Plan List is purely a list of action-items: people
you need to contact, emails you need to send, websites you need to look at,
things you gotta/wanna do. The Personal Reflections List is where you put all
the pertinent questions that underlay this decision, it contains the underlying
foundation of a solid, healthy and relevant choice. Both of these serve the
purpose of mapping out what you’ll need to do to make your decision. Don’t
drown in your mind’s endless ability to invent new things you haven’t
considered. Write it all down.
The Game-Plan List
Ask yourself “What do I
need to do to make a good decision? What do I need to know to make a good
decision? What do I need to feel to make a good decision?” and write down
everything that comes to mind. Whatever you come up with will be perfectly
suited to your unique situation, because you know best what’s real for you. Everything
at this stage should be an action step for further investigation - jot things
down without laboring out the details. You don’t have to think about details
yet! That alone is a huge relief. Don’t think about details before you have
somewhere useful to put them. After you make the skeleton of your list, you can
go back and start filling it in as fully or simply as you want. The Personal Reflection List is definitely an
action item.
So for example, if you worry that “If I do this, it might
mean I can’t do something else, and I’m not even sure what else I might do”
then, perfect, there’s an item for your list –
·
List all other options
This game-plan list does lots of things. It will help you
keep track of what you’ve already figured out, so you don’t waste your time figuring
it out all over again. It will empower you to take a break from thinking about
the decision, because you’ll know concretely how far along you are on your
list. When you’re working on your list, you’re working. When you’re not, you’re
not. Think about something else. Watch a movie. Touch yourself with various
pleasant smelling oils. Etc.
This was my game-plan list for a recent big decision:
o
Research (who should I talk to?)
§
Call
·
Platypusbuttqueen
·
Etc
§
Email
·
Lizardfacenelson
·
etc
o
Make Personal Reflections List
o
List all options I know of
§
Do it
§
Don’t do it and do X
§
Don’t do it and do Y
o
Research other options
§
Tinselbackhounddog’s suggestions
§
Google Search Landia
o
Get any other information I need
§
Cost
§
Scheduling
§
Etc.
o
Tarot
o
Check in with my experience throughout
Yes, Tarot was one of my action items. And it rules. I
highly recommend some form of divination as a part of the game-plan. It makes
it that much more obvious that this should be playful; it helps you get out of
your own way; and it makes it more likely that you’re gonna light some incense
which is nice.
The Personal Reflections List
This is where we step beyond the utilitarian
get-it-over-with approach to decision-making, and enter into a process that is
firmly rooted in healing and transformation. Oh it’s so rich. Your personal
reflections is a list of questions that you are asking yourself. Deep
questions, questions that lurk in the shadowy centers of our doubts and our
dreams. This is a great home for our brain chatter. That chatter is there for a
reason – you’re rehashing traumas from your past, insecurities, nodding at
topics you’ve been trying to avoid. Translate each anxiety into a question to
ask yourself. Trust your gut – if a question appears but doesn’t seem relevant,
write it down anyway. There are no dumb questions on this list. In fact, I find
it really helpful to write essentially the same question several different
ways, opening up new angles of understanding. After you come up with a good
mess of questions to ask yourself, sit down, check in with your body, and start
answering as honestly and non-judgmentally as possible. As you go along your
day, add more questions as new topics of brain chatter appear or as other
information comes in.
Here’s my list:
·
What are my fears around this?
This is,
to me, the most important thing to come to terms with. What am I afraid of
here? Write out everything and anything that comes to mind. Then investigate
these fears – Where is this fear coming from? Is it valid? Is it suspiciously
similar to a fear you have about other situations? Is it directly linked with
the choice on hand, a result of the inherent quality of the options? or is it a
fear that you carry in general, that would inevitably crop up given any choice
or commitment? Once I realized that my fears around the situation were just my
own all-purpose baggage and not specific to the situation, I could think more
clearly about the actual situation on hand. I also figured out what my baggage
is, inviting self-acceptance and compassion. Sweet.
·
What are my judgments?
I can be pretty judgy. I think a
lot of idealists/activists are. My own judgments usually have to do with
selling out and fulfilling standard societal expectations, and/or fulfilling
stereotypical archetypes of alternative radical communities. It feels good to
just write that down, acknowledge that that’s going on.
·
What are my expectations?
Do you already think this is dumb?
Do you already think everyone else will judge you? Do you already think this is
so freaking awesome and perfect?
·
What are my assumptions?
This one is hard. It’s hard to step
outside of yourself enough to know what you are assuming. But it’s all linked
with fears and expectations so just try your best. I often assume that the
decision I am making matters very much. And that it is a firm life-long
commitment. And it will be the pivotal decision on which all else hangs.
·
What do I want to get out of this?
Not what you should get out of this; what you, in your life as a humyn bean,
want to get out of this.
·
Does this align with my goals?
This is a time to tap into the
whole story of you; not just the “you” who is being faced with this impending
choice. You have been evolving an orientation towards life and a set of morals
and personal wonderfulness for your whole damn life; respect that and let it
work for you. The truth is that you’ve already done the vast majority of the
work in terms of deciding. You’ve already lived for your whole life, brought
yourself to certain situations and cultivated certain interests and ideas around
you. Does this choice align with the “you” who wrote your New Year’s
resolutions? Does this make any sense given what you’ve even vaguely been
moving towards, or is this totally a different direction? Which might be fine,
it’s just good to own that.
·
Is this what I’ve been looking for?
AKA what I’ve been asking for, what
I’ve been praying for, what I’ve been longing for, etc. Sometimes when we want
something, we form an image of what that thing is, how it will look, and how it
will present itself. We get so swept up in the story that when the answer to
our prayers comes, we can’t recognize it as such. It doesn’t smell like the
dish we cooked up in our brains. Reality rarely mimics our pre-conceived
notions, so be open to the possibility that this is exactly what you want. Also
be open to the possibility even though it looks deceptively like the dish
cooking in your brains, it might smell and taste totally different. You don’t
have to force it to. I myself get distracted by the delivery too – I often feel
that valid opportunities should arrive accompanied by a crystal in the crusty
palm of a strange medicine woman who I met hitching in the hills of a small
town way out of my way. When that opportunity actually arrives via facebook
comment, I need to get out of my own way to recognize it as the synchronistic
love note from Goddess I’ve been asking for.
And how do I even know what
I’ve been asking for? I re-read my journals. I look back at all the New Moon
Intentions I’ve set lately. I think about I’ve been excited to talk to friends
about lately.
·
Who is affected by this decision?
Are there people besides you who
are affected by this who you are not thinking about? Is there a potential that
someone might be hurt? Is there a potential that someone might be helped? Do
you need to clear something up with anyone before you step forward in good
conscience?
·
Is there something I’m not thinking of?
Yeah, that herbalism class sounds awesome,
but do you realize that Beyonce is playing a free live show in your buddy’s
basement the same night as the final? I mean, certification is cute and all but
let’s keep our priorities straight. Jk. No but serious.
Empowering much? I say yes, deeply. Journey forth with
courage and confidence, may we learn from it all.